If I Only Had a Heart

If I Only Had A Heart…
The Tale of…
The Stinger
50ml Brandy
25ml Creme de Menthe (white)


“I need an infection of affection!”
My valentines card consisted of a drawing of a boy and girl- the boy saying, “ you’re so beautiful, you get more and more beautiful each day like a flower in bloom”. The girl replies, “hmmm, where shall we get coffee?”
Not only was I practically on the floor laughing, but I could actually hear my own voice saying it as I was reading it. It was spot on. After a moment or two, I started to think, is this really what he thinks of me?? He pays me these compliments and I say things like that?! Of course, that has never actually happened- but I knew exactly why he thought of me when he saw it.
So where did this reputation come from?
One of the best and perhaps most worrying things anyone has ever said to me was one of my ex’s. I cannot remember what I did to inspire such a quote from him, but I will always remember it and I feel it is perhaps appropriate here while I attempt this analysis of my so –called ‘unaffectionate’ behaviour. “You’re a nutcracker.”- Sounds good so far right?  “… you’re like taking a sledge hammer to the nuts.” Oh.
“You’re as cold as ice.”  Times Square, NYC, 2010. 
What I find particularly strange is that I am known to be a sucker for a sweet talker. I say “aww” at least a couple of times a day. And I love getting flowers just as much as every other girl! Romantic gestures don’t go unnoticed in my life and some of my favourite films are perhaps the most clichéd love stories of all time.
So why is it that if someone were to ask my friends, they would probably tell you I wasn’t affectionate?
Perhaps it is an innate instinct that switches on when the male species are near and women become bitches as they grow in the world of love.  In an article written by Tanya Gold that appeared in The Guardian, she stated that, due to the chemicals your brain produces – dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine – you are, when you are in love, technically what I have always suspected you to be – mad as Stalin.” I’d say we all knew that already.
There are moments when affection needs to be present and I am obviously not oblivious to these moments. A friend of mine told me a story the other day about a birthday card she had received from her long-term boyfriend. They were together on her previous birthday and he had given her a lovely card and written lovely things inside it, so she was very much looking forward to the one on this birthday. She opened it to be greeted with the words “Happy Birthday- see last year’s card for details.”  I couldn’t help but laugh if nothing else from the sheer astonishment. Does that really happen? And what is worse, she genuinely believed that he had been too lazy and unaffectionate to actually write anything else rather than it being a joke, which even I wouldn’t find funny!
Well, apparantly, it’s on Facebook and it’s in text messages. And that’s where I’m going wrong!

“Where is the love?”

My mum is the same as me, she is the least affectionate person on text messages, they are short and say only what she needs to say. Like mother like daughter! However, I know that this is because she has a touch phone that is always on predictive and she can barely use it. When she wants me to ring her she sends “sing” because she can’t be bothered to select the second option on predictive that is the correct “ring”. I do not start to infer from this that she does not love me because I do not have an ‘x’ on there.
Where did the hype with a letter come from? And why does it matter how many you give/get? In real life, one kiss will suffice. Some are longer than others, more passionate etc, but when you go to kiss your partner, it isn’t a case of kissing them 5 times consecutively and if one time you only kiss twice this means there is something wrong.   What is sad to say though, is despite my argument that when I only put 1 kiss- and I rarely put more than this!- it actually does mean something when some do it, because they want it to and intend it to. Especially when they put no kisses. I know many people that if they sent me a text with no kisses, I would know there was something wrong.
So I suppose I cannot blame them for thinking the same about me.  Having had my fair experience with misinterpretations from text messaging leading only to disaster, I would love to live in a world where my mood and my personality were not judged by the letters I have quickly typed on a screen.
Having said that, as it seemed to be so important to my friends, I did make it my New Years Resolution to be more affectionate on text messages. I started the year successfully, writing “chicks” and “cupcakes” to my girls and pressing ‘x’ a thousand times. But each time I couldn’t help but feel like they sounded almost sarcastic.
I can give on the “cupcakes” nicknames, I can come to terms with and probably enjoy using such cheerful words, but asking me to repetitively press my thumb on the x key, risking arthritis or RSI (maybe a little dramatic, but not impossible) is totally unreasonable and make a plea to accept 1-3 kisses as my limit. Pleaaaaseee?
Something that I see all the time and still I cannot figure out why it happens is when I see couples posting private and intimate comments to each other on Facebook. Why would you post I love you to your boyfriend on Facebook? Call, even text, hell, write them a letter!
So if I don’t post on my boyfriend’s wall telling him how much I miss him or love him. Or if I don’t put a kiss when I send him the link to a song I want to show him- does that make me unaffectionate?!
As far as I’m concerned, that’s all crap. And that’s not the way I intend to tell anyone I love them or miss them.
But I will take this time, to apologise. I do not intend to regularly post to you on Facebook, and sometimes I’m busy when you text so can’t reply and a lot of the time I don’t have signal (honest truth) and by the time I do, yes, I might have forgotten. I will be in a rush sometimes and will only be able to put one kiss.  But, know this all you cyber lovers of mine… I LOVE YOU ALL. And you don’t need a screen to tell you that. You can see it in the thousands of pictures I have round my room of you. And others know it because every time I tell a story, it includes one of you because everything good that has happens, happens because of the people in your life.
There- a public display of affection. Rachel Hadley 2012.
And hey, Ashton Kutcher agrees with me, so maybe that will convince you more than I can!


Keep loving those who aren’t lovable.


“You can’t call me and tell me that you miss me, I don’t want to have that conversation on the phone. So you can’t text me, and you can’t email me, and you can’t ‘write on my wall’. If you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me.”