Chat Up’s Your Trouble

Pack Up Chat Up ‘s Your Trouble

Article published in Bowland Lady magazine (Lancaster University) 

The Tale of… The Not-So Italian Stallion
One of many recipes:
Italian Stallion
1oz Sambuca 
2oz Orange Juice
1oz Citron Vodka 

Among the many classic lines we have all heard, “come here often?” and “grab your coat you’ve pulled” are some utter cringe-worthy quotes, ones I would dread to hear in public. We imagine being chatted up by someone to be an exciting and enjoyable experience. You feel flattered and if you feel the initial sparks, it can be fun to see where it goes. But I fear the art of pulling and knowledge of chat-up lines are dissolving quicker than my hopes of having Nicole Scherzinger’s body. We all pray for an Italian Stallion to sweep us off our feet,  but in reality, no matter what they look like, they have the charm of Donkey. However, I feel in a piece such as this, it is only fair to pay tribute to them mainly for the fact that, like Donkey, they can make you laugh. And so here of some of my favourite worst chat-up lines. This is the tale of the Not-So Italian Stallion…

#5 “Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got fine written all over you.” 
#4 “You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind.” 
#3“If I said you have a nice body would you hold it against me?”
#2 “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk past again?” 
#1“Hey feel this.” *Holds out his arm* *Girl feels shirt* “That’s boyfriend material”.
Unfortunately, due to the level of cringe that comes from these lines, I don’t believe they would hold the greatest success rates.
Perhaps everyone’s taking the wrong approach, saying too much. Maybe we all need to say a little less. For example, a genious film reference from The Boat that Rocked, (if you haven’t seen it- you must). The guy that manages to get any girl he wants, reveals his secret to be- “don’t say anything at all. When the tension becomes too much, just say ‘how about it then?’”.
Is cheesey ever a good thing? Well, despite the ever-lasting love for the bar scene in Top Gun in which the girl is serenaded with the Righteous Brothers’ You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling, I’m thinking it would have most girls running the other way from pure embarrassment. Similarly, no girl can resist Heath Ledger singing I Love You Baby on a football field, but unless you are Heath Ledger, I’m thinking that’s a long shot too.

Whilst thinking of the next thing to write for this article, a advert came on the TV with a girl saying “Within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone I would know if I had chemistry with them”, it was like a giant elephant in the room had just turned pink and started dancing shouting “listen to how ridiculous this is!”. 5 minutes?! You think you know if you have chemistry with someone after 5 minutes?! I need longer than 5 minutes to decide what I want to drink on a date, never mind decide about him!
This reminded me of one of the only things I didn’t like about the movie Hitch, when he says that “8/10 women say that the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship”. Whether these statistics are true is a moot point in my opinion, I don’t believe it for one second. As important as the first kiss is, I’m quite sure it doesn’t give you psychic powers to see into the future where he’s telling you that he doesn’t like you going out without him or oh dear, sleeping with another girl. 
As much as they will deny it, I would take a wild guess that at some point a guy has been drawn in by “how to pull” article or “Top tips”, and hopefully they have been from more reliable sources than Sam Sadler, bless him. One I found particularly interesting comes from Crazy Stupid Love. What Ryan Gosling claims to have been teaching Steve Carell is three things: “You buy her a drink, even if she doesn’t want one you insist.” “Never talk about yourself always about her.” “You don’t ask them to come home with you, you tell them.”  “It’s all a game. A big creepy game.” I’m not going to shed opinion on these, but I am very curious as to the reaction a guy would get. As always, I’m sure it would depend on the girl as confidence is often mistaken for arrogance and telling a girl to go home with you could, let’s face it, back fire. So if anyone wants to try them out, let me know how it goes!
In contrast, how can a girl make it clear that she is just not interested? Quoting from Hitch again, (yes I’m a little in love with Will Smith, who isn’t?) The things he points out as the right signals to send to guys if you’re not interested, “No earrings, heels under 2 inches, hair pulled back, reading glasses with no book, and drinking a martini” Of course, there are few girls who would be keen on donning this look on a night out, heels under 2 inches? Not really heels now are they…  It is understandable however that it is Eva Mendes that feels the need to do such things to warn off males, when I look like her, maybe I’ll consider it…
Hitch continues to say, “who’s gonna believe there’s a man out there who would sit down beside a woman and genuinely be interested in who she was, what she does, without his own agenda”. And just as Eva replies, what would that really look like? Well it would look sort of like that rumour the world was going to end on 17th March a couple of years ago, with only a small and dubious minority believing it could happen.
I’m sure most of you would say that using one of these tragic lines would be the last thing on your mind.
 Having said that, I do wonder just how low a guy would go to pull. These lines are something of concern, however I fear that this is not the worse that is out there, as this story I was told so terrifyingly demonstrates. The girl was on a night out with a group of friends, she had a boyfriend and so when a guy who had been dancing nearby started edging closer to her she was cautious and made sure she did not acknowledge him. This was not enough of a hint as he continued edging closer before putting his arms around her. She stepped back to tell him politely that she had a boyfriend. By this point his group of friends was mixing within her group and everyone was innocently having a good time. He smiled and replied “oh, don’t worry I’m gay!” She laughed and then continued dancing amongst her group that had acquired a number of new members. The guy continued to dance with her, but under the circumstances she thought it would do no harm. Next thing she knew, one of his friends that happened to be an acquaintance of hers also came over to her and said, “has he just told you he’s gay?”, she nodded, “yeah… he’s not.” She couldn’t believe it. And when I was told this story, neither could I. What was his plan? Continue dancing with her, casually getting closer and closer, appearing to just be being friendly so that she takes a liking to him and just go in for the kill with the hope that his flawless kissing is enough to make her think cheating is a good idea? Or perhaps his intentions remained more innocent and all he wanted was a dance. Either way, apparently pretending to be gay was his best shot.
I’m not sure which is worse, but I have to say, at least if someone walked up to me and said (in a non-arrogant jokey way of course) “shall we chat, or continue flirting from a distance?”, it would at least make me laugh. And if you’re thinking that’s not such a good thing, in the fine words of Marilyn Monroe:

“if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything”.