Did You Just Call Me Fat?

The Tale of… The Venusian

The Venusian Flame Water

0.667 oz Grenadine

filled with Wine

There are two kinds of people in this world. There are men and there are women.

“If men are from Mars and women are from Venus and you speak Venusian, the world can be yours.”

If men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, maybe Earth is the playground they’ve all been sent to to work out how to get on.

We all know men and women think about things in entirely different ways and so it came as no surprise to me when I heard a few stories from various friends about some almost-arguments that had sprung from miscommunications.

A romantic dinner, dimmed lighting, wine, and wonderful food. The guy reaches across the table and stares directly into the girl’s eyes, “You’ll be beautiful when you’re older”…

I’m sorry, what?

He leaned back in his chair, “that sounded like a compliment in my head.”

The girl pushed her chair back, “I’m going to the bathroom”.

I overheard a girl talking about how much skinnier she was when she had first met her boyfriend. He turned to her and said, “Yes, you were fit back then.” He stumbled across himself as he tried to explain that he meant that he thought she was fit then, but that didn’t mean he thought she was any less attractive now. It was clear the argument was light-hearted and she found his terrible choice of words fairly amusing, but it was also clear that she had taken offence. After all, the “back then” he had chose to add on the end does lend the impression that his preference was for her former self. Would it not have been easier, quicker and far better to just say, “Yes you were fit”. But I think us females can admit, we would have taken the same offence to the statement even without the “back then”. I guess what she was really hoping for was, “you look just as good now as you did then” or some variation.

In both these cases, we can’t deny, the intentions were good. The realisations however, a bit off the mark.  Having told these stories to some friends, the response from the males was a unanimous, “But she knew what he meant”. The female opinion on the other hand was more to the opinion that inspite of knowing what the guys had hoped to do, the reason that offence was taken is based on the fear that unknowingly, he had admitted his true feelings. Maybe he did think she was fit back then and not so much now, but of course, he’s not going to admit that is he?

Having said this, one cannot deny that women often use these opportunities to make the guy feel bad about what he has ‘accidently’ ended up saying even when really, you know he wasn’t calling you fat…

They say communication is the key to any successful relationship and I would tend to agree with such a concept. However, there are some situations where you may be able to communicate what you want to say, but getting the other person to see things from your eyes is an entirely other matter. So if they don’t see things from your viewpoint, how can they agree with you? And if you don’t agree, you argue. If you argue, you become further and further away from wanting to understand the other person’s view because by this point they’ve probably called you crazy, or you’ve thrown vegetables at their head… just me then?

A friend of mine has been having these problems with her boyfriend. An argument may start over the smallest thing, but because they see things so differently, they struggle to solve the problem quickly and it escalate more and more as they get further away from understanding what the other is feeling. Soon, they have no idea why it started, but they’re not speaking to each other.

I heard a story the other day of a girl who has been seeing a guy for some time, quite casual and no serious commitments. The guy had told the girl up front that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. They have recently stopped seeing each other following an argument that sparked after she started a conversation with him about where their relationship was going. As far as he was concerned, he was totally upfront with her. As far as she was concerned, that’s how he had felt at the start of the ‘relationship’ and they had been seeing each other for so long, she assumed his feelings had certainly changed and so he was obviously a jerk if that wasn’t the case.

“As long as you know men are like children, you know everything.” Coco Chanel 

So, is he an arsehole because they were seeing each other for a while and her feelings for him grew beyond the casual arrangement they had originally agreed to? Or maybe we should be pointing the finger at the women? If men are like children, are utter arseholes and this is something that we all know, are women not just naive for putting themselves in a vulnerable position? Women believe in falling in love right? I’m not saying men don’t, but in a situation like this, it seems to be the former that is taking place. The woman assumes that after a certain amount of time, they will fall in love. But if the man has said upfront that he doesn’t want anything serious, and has since not said anything to the contrary, is it really his fault that you’ve been hurt?  Maybe not. But, what so many women tend to find is that they feel they were ushered down the path to heartbreak, by small gestures and comments that he has made that make you feel as if something else is happening, as if he is starting to feel something more for you too.

Or, maybe he has even actually said something to make you feel this way, “I could fall in love with you”.    Could? Or, will? 

“I’m so jealous of the guy that gets to marry you…” 

Well that could have been you… 

So how are you supposed to know the difference? How do you know if it is actually going to develop, or if they’re all just empty words?  Well, that’s another CockTale all of its own…

It’s clear that the fact that men and women don’t understand each other can often cause problems, but let’s look at it another way.  If you’re with someone for a long time, you get to know pretty much everything about them, you may be able to predict how the other feels sometimes, know if they are upset and feel like not much that they do surprises you. From this side then, isn’t the fact that you cannot actually ever know what they are thinking one of the only mysteries we are lucky enough to keep in a relationship? If you really understood every tiny thing that went through another person’s head, it would leave no room for things like spontaneity, surprise, being anxious, curious or nervous about what someone else is going to do or say, which in a relationship, are actually things you should treasure.

For example, I was having a conversation with a guy the other day and we were talking about proposals and he said how much courage it must take and then he would be really nervous. It got me thinking, if a guy is proposing, he must have some idea that the girl wants to marry him, the likelihood is they’ve discussed it to some extent. He told me that whilst that was probably true, in the moment of being asked if she will spend the rest of her life with someone, that’s probably the only time she will actually realise how she really feels about it. It’s like when you can’t choose between two things, so you flip a coin to decide and then you know in that moment if you actually wished the coin had landed the other way and that’s the one you want. Okay, so proposals are not quite coin flips, but it makes sense. If your guy sat you down and told you he wanted to propose, and ‘hypothetically’ what would you say… it sort of takes the magic away from the whole scenario. And it’s not just proposals, if the first time you say ‘I love you’ he informs you beforehand that he’s going to, it doesn’t quite have the same affect.

So, we can live in a world where we all speak Venusian, but say goodbye to spontaneity. Or, we can accept that there are two kinds of people in this world, and things would be a whole lot more boring if there weren’t.

Images http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e0/Cocktail1.jpg/240px-Cocktail1.jpg

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