The Seven Deadly Relationships

The Tale of… The Tom and Jerry

1/2 oz syrup
1oz dark rum, 
1 oz Cognac
1 egg
Hot Milk

Some things just come in pairs, salt and pepper, fish and chips, milk and cookies, Ant and Dec, Tom and Jerry.

It’s almost unnatural to have one without the other and one always makes the other better. When it comes to relationships, the pairing is not quite so sweet and whilst two people may come in a pair, they may not necessarily make the other better. I have so far found that the pair consists of this, one person who always seems to care more than the other.

It does not necessarily mean that one person actually does care more than the other, but on the surface or within the relationship, there will always be one person who is more affectionate, or wants more affection from the other person. Never have I found a relationship where the affection is entirely equally weighted and I believe this to be true of most relationships, even those that are successful and long-standing. With the idea of pairings in mind, it got me thinking about mismatched pairings… Baileys and Beer, chocolate and cheese, socks and sandals. These things don’t compliment one another, however in some terrifying circumstances, we see them. And in this chapter of the CockTales, these are known as the Seven Deadly Relationships.

The Affair

These are the couples we all love to hate. An affair has occurred at some point in the relationship and the couple are still together. However, it seems to always be there on the surface, it’s waiting to sprout in every argument, to be dug up every time they decide they hate each other. It never really goes away and it’s never forgotten. The relationship is tainted and their desperate desire to remain together clouds all reasoning that things will never be the same again.

The Single-Minded Boy

This is the relationship with the boy who, from head to toe, right to his core, is destined to be single for the rest of his life. He would never choose to spend time with the girl over his friends, he has no concept over the distinction between friendly, friendly flirting, chatting up and out-right cheating. He thinks that forgetting their dates and her birthday is just “forgetful” and that’s a feature of his personality she should learn to live with. If any of the above sounds a little too familiar to you… run.

The One with a Broken Heart

Perhaps a little harder to spot from the outside, but normally well known from the inside, if a little ignored. One of the two will have had a bad break-up and/ or have been hurt in their previous relationship, consequently making them guarded and unwilling in the next. The main problem that grows from this lies in the knowledge that to some extent, they haven’t quite closed the book from their last relationship. If any form of bitterness, hatred or feeling is still present from a previous relationship, it’s hard to progress in another. I read something the other day that was asking males what bringing their ex-girlfriend up on a date meant, over half of them said it probably meant that they are still hung up on her.

The Proclaimers 

Perhaps the worst of the seven. Perhaps just a personal hatred from myself… The Proclaimers are those ones. The ones who declare their love for one another in every conceivable medium possible. Social networking is raped by their emotional outbursts and public places are vandalised by their over-the-top PDA. I find it hard to believe these people don’t have one another’s phone numbers, and/or are able to speak face-to-face in the not too distant future. Why then, I beg to ask, do I need to know how much you love your ‘baby boy’? I would personally put all the above down to a false sense of security and attachment, if you feel the need to share your love over such means of communication, there’s something wrong in other areas of the relationship.

The Acquaintances 

The acquaintances appear on the surface to barely know each other. You see no affection between them but whether it is surprising or not, these will tend to be the couples who have been or will be together for a long time.

The LoveBirds

There is a tale that when a Lovebird dies, their partner dies soon after because they cannot live apart. Christian Louboutin named his first shoe design after this concept, with the word LOVE crossing over the two shoes when they were joined. When the shoes were separated the graphics of the shoes were designed specifically so you could not make out that the letters were spelling LOVE unless put together. This name, is given to the couples that think if they were to break up, they would die. They are likely to be the couples that have been together since the age of about 12. They argue constantly and would probably be far happier apart, but all in the name of that crazy-thing-called love, they stay together because, in their eyes, love is enough.

Mr and Mrs Married

No, this is not referring simply to marriage. These are the couples who have been together maybe a year or so, but when you see them, it’s as if they’ve been together forever. They do not believe they have any more to discover about each other, and well, might as well be a sixty-something couple who can finish each other’s sentences and will willingly wash one another’s dirty underwear.

Mrs Is had a ‘Mrs Married’ moment the other day. She was getting in bed with Mr. Is and she looked down, she could actually see the hairs on her legs. Not just feel them, actually see them. Once upon a time she would have jumped out the bed and ran to the bathroom for a quick-fix shaving session. But, given that she’d been with Mr. Is for over 2 years, she didn’t see the point and instead resorted to saying, “I’ve got really hairy legs so don’t come near me.” And that was that, they rolled over and went to sleep.

Is there something wrong with that story? Of course it’s great being in a relationship with someone who loves all things about you, and will love you even when you’re grooming routine has been neglected, but isn’t that taking the magic from your relationship? Where’s the mystery and sense of sexual desire when the need for you to feel wanted by your partner goes MIA. It’s dangerous territory and one that the coupletons need to keep a serious eye on. You should never be walking on eggshells around another person, but wading through a pig sty isn’t where you want to be either. Before you know it, you’ll be having sex in the missionary position and ordering the same thing off the menu every time you go out.

Whilst researching this post, I was lucky enough to discover the gloriously hilarious hashtag #mysexlifeinmovietitles. Pschoanalysing your relationship is obviously not something you should take up as a hobby, (and if you do it then what am I going to do with all my time?), but I do think it is interesting to see if your relationship can be summed up in something as simple such as the names I have proposed above. And it does seem that an entire Twitter community was thinking the same thing when it came to their sex life and decided to experiment with the concept that your sex life can in many instances be reduced simply to the title of a film. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Gone in 60 Seconds, He’s Just Not That Into You, Fast and Furious, A Series of Unfortunate Events, A Good Year, The Day After Tomorrow… etcetera. If nothing else, it provided me with a good laugh.

Hopefully, your relationship does not fall into one of the above, but just for curiosities sake, what do you think your relationship is called?