A Pessimist and a Bitch.

The Tale of… The Nasty Bitch

1 1/2 oz Tequila

1/2 oz Cointreau

Let’s be completely outrageous for a second. There is far too much emphasis on being positive. Don’t get me wrong, I am in awe of the people in this world who find it within themselves to love when rage is overpowering or to forgive when hatred is inevitable. But there are moments when there is absolutely no need to tell me to be positive. “Positivity is what will get you through, smile even when it hurts to smile.” Blah. Blah. Blah. I would probably give the same advice to a friend, it’s just what you should say. But sometimes life does just like to kick you down.

I learned a very long time ago, the only solution to utter misery is to laugh at it. Laugh through your tears, never take a second of your dark thoughts and lonely nights seriously. Time is what heals you, friends are what gets you through and the use of entirely inappropriate humour is what will force a smile.

People all too often in fact mistake this very blog for being an advice column, a ‘how to’ on relationships because I know what I’m talking about… HOW TERRIBLY AND TRAGICALLY WRONG YOU ARE. I have absolutely no idea how to make a relationship work. I can turn a perfectly romantic moment into blazing argument, complete with slamming doors.

It is of course fact, we respond more favourably to dismay. We can relate to, sympathise with and form bonds (albeit fairly pitiful ones) with people who are making a complete mess of their lives. We thrive on the concept that when we fuck up, we’re not the only one out there doing it.

And so, why write about all the good things in my dating, sex and relationship world? Do you really want to know that I had an entire Sunday dinner cooked for me whilst I was upstairs painting my nails and spending the entire day in bed-which by the way- TOTALLY happened. But you’re rolling that cursor over to the little red X button now aren’t you?

It seems I have developed somewhat of a reputation as… well, a bitch. Laughing at people tripping up and divulging all things despicable about dating and penis activity apparently does not make me a desirable candidate for the “she’s one of the nicest people I know” list. And now thanks to utterly hilarious female comedians like Sarah Millican and Melissa McCarthy, I am even further away from making it onto the “funny” list. So I am cast aside and resigned to the cynics and pessimist lists.

In spite of this and in spite of myself, I have decided I will endeavour to provide the odd post of optimism, tales of success as opposed to categorically disastorous dating. At least once a month. Okay every two months…Let’s just see how it goes?

Come to me not for a shoulder to cry on, for a word of advice or tenderness. But rather, if you’re angry, if you’re hurting, if you’ve made a supreme tit of yourself, come here to read about everyone else in this world who has done exactly the same thing.