Made In Divorce

The Tale of… The Shady Lady
3 measures Tequila
1 measure Apple Brandy
1 measure Cranberry Juice
Dash of lime served over ice.

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There has always been a notion that women hate men. Something that men have collectively decided is a universal truth that we, the female population, are born with the understanding that men are the enemy, that they are put on this Earth to sleep with us, break our hearts, cheat, leave wet towels and dirty clothes everywhere and ultimately never be trusted.

I’m confident in saying this is not true, in the sense that we are not born knowing this. And for the most part, (to my knowledge) mother’s don’t sing their daughters to sleep with anti-male ritual songs. If we grow to believe in said philosophy, it is a result of experience. But is it really down to first-hand experiences? Or is it based on a lifetime of watching your friends be screwed over and the marriages of parents break down around you? And as a result you pave a path for yourself carefully building bridges over all of the pitfalls you have seen others fall into.

I always thought divorce had not affected me, but in recent weeks I have come to notice something more and more about myself.

I am a serial untruster.

I don’t believe in a happily ever after. The guys I have dated have said this is because I don’t let myself be happy. I judge the relationship based on previous experiences and I shouldn’t because “he’s different”. This is a mantra women try and fail to ignore, one that I personally make it my life mission to never be caught saying out loud. Even when the person you are with is essentially a nice person and does make you happy, women must never forget this important fact, he’s still a guy. And through no fault of his own, there are some things that are just the way they are and that’s just the way it is.

For example, men are generally terrified of women. They find it hard to comprehend our biological and hormonal forms and the way we can go from smiling angel to raging demon at the mere sound of his voice. So there are certain things they will do because of this, they will try to avoid things that they know will particularly anger us, which means that sometimes they lie. That time they went to the strip club with their friends and they were the only one who didn’t have a lap dance: we know this is a lie. They say what they think we want to hear, “Yes that sounds great” TRANSLATION “I couldn’t think of anything worse, but I know you’ll shout at me if I say anything else”.

Then there is the “Made Up Break Up”. This is all down to the general incompetence of a man to have the balls to actually break up with a woman honestly. All under a false pretence that they are ‘trying to spare our feelings’.

So to any males reading this, let me share a little secret. When you want to break up with us, we probably know it. And if we don’t know it and you’re too scared to tell us, we will eventually figure it out because here is what you all seem to make the mistake of doing and whilst doing it, you make the catastrophic error of thinking that women don’t know about it.

Men will do their utmost to disappoint you, they will let you down, say things they wouldn’t normally say and show less interest and affection towards you. This will in turn lead a woman to become angry and irritated and so bring up the fact that she is not happy. Ultimately leading to the window for him to say that he “just wants you to be happy”, and he doesn’t think that he is doing that, and maybe “you’d be better off” without him.

With all of the above in mind, I have become so adamant to not let myself be taken advantage of that I am incapable of trusting and believing that someone is not doing exactly that. So when I suggest something and he agrees to doing it, naturally, I lose my head. Psycho? Well, maybe. But also, an irrational fear, reinforced by past experiences, not all of them my own, that he is just saying exactly what I want to hear, because I am a woman. And even if he did only think we should break up because he wasn’t making me happy anymore, I’m not going to believe him. He’s just a penis without a pair of testicals big enough to tell me the truth and no one can convince me otherwise.

But did I not start this very piece by saying that there are some things about men we cannot change ‘just because they’re a man’. Despite our hatred for the way men seem to label women in certain ways, justifying their actions and lies with the notion that they know how we will react, maybe we have to give them the same courtesy of having to accept certain ‘truths’ about us. Apart from the break-up thing. That will never be okay.

The Telegraph* reported in late 2013 statistics from the Office of National Statistics that in 66% of divorce cases that year it was the woman initiating the divorce, therefore my theory that men just have no balls when it comes to ending a relationship seems to be statistically sound. And as far as I’m aware, no where is there any proof that if you say what I don’t want to hear, I will become that raging demon and throw some form of fruit or vegetable in your general direction. So I guess you’ll just have to take the chance.

But what can I say? I’m a child of divorce, so my dysfunctional relationship behaviour is justified… right?

*The Telegraph www.telegraph.co.uk 8 October, 2013

Image: 1001 Cocktails & other decadent drinks, 2011, Parragon Books Ltd.

Featured image: Edited image, Original image property of Made In Chelsea, E4, Channel 4 Television Corporation.

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