Blind and Bluffing

The Tale of… The Slow Comfortable Screw

2 measures Sloe Gin

Orange Juice

Served over ice.

We all spent our childhoods pretending, who says we ever learned to stop?

Lewis Carroll wrote in Alice in Wonderland, “I can’t go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”

It seems to me that Walt Disney tried to teach us our life lessons before we had time to make all the mistakes he knows we’re going to make in life, as my previous post Once Upon a CockTale in collaboration with so demonstrated.

Let me explain it a little better with some examples. Here’s some things you don’t know about your Disney characters.

Eleanor Audley plays the voice of the Stepmother in Cinderella, but she also depicts the one and only Maleficent.

Sterling Holloway is the voice of Winnie the Pooh, but you’ll find Holloway as the stork in Dumbo, Kaa in Jungle Book and the Cheshire Cat in Alice and Wonderland.

Verna Felton is no less than Mrs Jumbo, the Fairy Godmother from Cinderella, the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland, Flora in Sleeping Beauty, Winifred from The Jungle Book and Aunt Sarah in Lady and the Tramp.

Kathryn Beaumont is most famous as the voice of Alice in Alice in Wonderland, or was it Wendy in Peter Pan?

Ever wondered what the Mad Hatter would be like as a human being if Johnny Depp wasn’t around? Well, just turn on Mary Poppins! Ed Wynn who plays Uncle Albert in Mary Poppins is also the voice of the Mad Hatter.

phil harris

Phil Harris is beloved Baloo from The Jungle Book, Little John from Robin Hood and Thomas O’Malley in The Aristocats.

So why can’t I be exactly the person I want to be? Why can’t we choose to be exactly who we want to be in that moment, regardless of what everyone thinks you are? I used to believe that people couldn’t change. But really, what you can’t change is what other people think of you. So for example, once you think your guy is a cheater, nothing else matters. He could be the most faithful bloke on the planet, but if you think he’s a liar, you’ll never think otherwise.

When you go out and meet a stranger, is it not one of life’s great privileges to not have to show that person the real you if you don’t want to? You can give them any name you want and be anyone you want. In fact, a friend and I spent a lot of time when going out taking great pleasure in testing out various names, just to see who we like to be for that night. This is surely just harmless prentence… or am I just plain lying?

But when you’re in a relationship, you have to stick to one of those personalities for a prolonged amount of time. So when you think you’re being yourself around someone, are you really just wearing the personality you’ve chosen for yourself?

The truth is we’re all conning ourselves every single day. We avoid the truth and we lie and we convince ourselves it’s for a good reason. We sell ourselves excuses and ways to justify ourselves. So why does it hurt so much to discover someone else has been conning you?

And what about pretending when it comes to anger? Why do we say it’s okay, when we all know it’s completely the very opposite of okay? Why do we say we’re not angry and then 3 hours later announce that we’re in a mood?

Most of us are Kings and Queens of passive aggressive behaviour. And when it comes to post break up aggression, passive is the only approach a Mr or Mrs Relationship will take. It’s a way of pretending like you’re not actively expressing your anger, when perhaps that would just be the better option for everyone.

The notion that a couple can be friends after a break up, this is the biggest pretence I’ve ever heard. As far as I’m concerned, it’s code for, I don’t have sexual feelings for you anymore, but I’d still like you in my life so I don’t feel like a complete jerk for walking away. Realistically when you’re finally at a point where you don’t have those feelings for one another, what’s left isn’t the foundations of a friendship, it’s just a person who once meant a lot to you, and is essentially a land mine waiting.

If you’re not married, or tied into some cohabitation agreement, but you’ve still dedicated months or years of your life to one person, what do you get at the end of it apart from bitter texts and some sleepless nights? Personally I’m still using my ex’s accounts to watch TV online, (probably not for long now), but it’s like alimony for the unmarried, we’ve earned that right?

I’ve been told I am somewhat of a closed book and let me tell you, even if like me, your guilty pleasure is to read the last line of the book before you start it (I’m sick, I know), I guarantee you’ll never guess what I’m going to do on the next page. And isn’t it just better that way? The rut is a relationship problem that has never been cured, which is why the love songs, the movies and the books never mention it. Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Have great sex and travel the world together. And then 5 years down the line she starts working late, he goes out more and before they realise it they haven’t slept together in 6 months and just the thought of anything but missionary exhausts them. So how do you stop things becoming boring, predictable, an open book? Well, we pretend. We lie to ourselves and avoid the truth of what’s really going on.

I guess it all comes down to the balance of spontinaity and the comfort that we all come to love in a relationship. It’s like the feeling you get when you come home after a holiday, sure it’s not as great as cocktails on a beach, but there’s something warming about a cup of tea on your sofa, in your bed. So how many of us truly find the balance between comfort and keeping it interesting? And to add insult to this, what forces you into a rut when you’re together, are the very things that will keep you up at night when you break up.

Well personally, I love me some Southern Comfort, but it’s better to venture out of your comfort zone and sometimes it’s necessary. Besides, you never know what’s waiting in the north.