Dating Games: the odds are probably not in your favour.

The Tale of… The Ace of Spades Champagne

Armand De Brignac Ace of Spades Champagne Brut Gold

It is only natural on a first date to want to show someone the best side of you. All your best traits, all the reasons why they’ll grow to want you. You’ll tell them interesting facts about your self, and be overly interested in everything they’re saying.

So imagine my shock when I realised I was the polar opposite.

Being me, I like to get all the worst bits out in the open first. I already know you’re a jackass with about 10 bad habits. But I want to know the real stuff. Do you secretly kill puppies, have a 20 year old collection of marbles, make a terrible cup of tea or most importantly, do you hate Marmite? These are the things I’d rather know upfront, so I can make my excuses and never be seen in public with you ever again. And so, I think it only fair that I pay them the same courtesy and tell them that I will stress over things I can’t control and expect him to calm me down, I will want to punch the television each and every time that dog gets kicked off the bridge in Anchorman. And while we’re at it- I HATE Will Ferrell. I think it only fair any guy should know these things, he should be given the option to run the other way before we get half way through Anchorman and then I tell him he has a terrible sense of humour and I think we should never speak again. Without these early revelations you’ll find yourself in a place using any excuse possible to get out of a date with them, “Sorry, I’m washing all my jeans tonight so I have nothing to wear.” Ouch.

Humans have a tendency to ruin nature. We are blind to what is really around us and just see the inconvenience in everything. My mother spends valuable hours brushing up leaves. Leaves. In Autumn. Not only do they hold the most beautiful colours of all the seasons but there will, by law of nature, be the exact same amount of leaves within five minutes of brushing them.

What’s the point?

Why do we channel our energy to radiate a form of our selves that isn’t really true to the real you. This is why the start of your relationship was so much better. This is why they have changed so much since they first met you. We’re all lying.

OR in fairness to the human race, are we merely creating opportunities for one another to actually fall for each other? Would anyone really fall for someone if you knew every single thing about them from the word go?

Somewhere in Liesville are a group of people sat around playing a game called texting. It was never intended to be a game, but somewhere along the way some fool got an X Box remote mixed with an iPhone and now suddenly whenever one picks up their phone, it’s like a game of text Roulette and the one left waiting on a reply may as well consider themselves out. Jenny is currently texting a guy she met a couple of weeks ago. She says she leaves it at least 40 minutes before replying to any of his texts (because 30 minutes is too obvious and an hour is too long… apparently). Since the demise of phone calls and letters, we developed texting as a way to communicate without actually speaking but could still maintain an instant form of communication. However as humans, in destroying anything in how it was intended to be, we decided to change texting into some prolonged affair. A conversation deciding whether to meet up that evening can indeed last the whole day if both are trying to avoid being ‘too keen’.

Would you really judge someone because they reply instantly to every one of your texts? Would you assume they have no social life and nothing better to do than wait for your texts and reply?

Would we never consider that maybe they’re SO busy that if they don’t reply straight away they might forget about you and never end up replying? Does it really indicate they are more into you than you are with them?

When did our desirability become dependent on our average reply speed? Is it not possible that they are just too busy… or maybe your text was just that boring.

And on the other hand, if you really did want to delay a reply as a ploy to make them pine after you, have you never considered they might just lose interest?

Can it not be as simple as, if you’re interested in someone, show you are interested?

if a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit.”

he's just not

The problem is, we can’t all come together and agree that it all means nothing. So whilst she is just texting him because she feels like it and yes, she thinks he’s kinda cute, he’s thinking PANIC STATIONS and running a mile from the ‘overly keen girl’.

But if you actually both like each other, none of this should matter because ultimately you’ll both be happy to hear from the other. They might be secretly high-fiving themselves because you said ‘good morning’ first, but they’re glad you did and they know you’re interested in them too.

So when you’re not interested in the other person, what are you to do? Is it polite to be up front? “Excuse me, but the thought of seeing you naked makes me want to sew your clothes on.” Maybe not. “I had a nice time, I just don’t see it going anywhere.” Everyone claims they would prefer honesty, but no one really wants to be the one saying that. And if there is one thing I have learnt, it is that boys have NO balls. Hence why if you’re going to get honesty, it’s going to come from the girl. This is why we ladies so often get labelled as ‘shallow’ or just plainly ‘a bitch’. If a girl isn’t interested in someone she’ll probably just say so straight out. A guy will dance around it, claiming ‘he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings’ ultimately sending her the message that he’s not interested by, (all together now) ignoring her texts and not contacting her.

So in order to not be the loser waiting on a text days later because “he might have had a family crisis” or “maybe he’s had his phone stolen”, personally I would rather live by the assumption that if he doesn’t contact me, he doesn’t want to. He’s not interested, so I don’t need to be either. The End.

…He probably loves Anchorman anyway.

Images: Armand De Brignac Ace of Spades Champagne Brut Gold, selfridges.com

He’s Just Not That Into You (2009) New Line Cinema, Flower Films (II), Internationale Filmproduktion Blackswan.

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