Bump and Grind, to 2015

The Tale of.. The Detox.

25ml Peach Schnapps

25ml Cranberry Juice

25ml Vodka

Alas New Year is upon us. I just love seeing people running on January 1st, it really doesn’t matter if you’re Mo Farah on this day, if you’re running on January 1st you are a resolution-er and I guarantee it’s the last time I’ll see you running. It seems to be a somewhat depressing month to try to change every single one of your natural instincts. We’re all still on the comedown from everyone being overly cheery and everyone is back to their usual miserable selves. But it is in this month that everyone chooses to give up everything that has the potential to cheer them up. A friend of mine told me that he knew 5 people who had quit their jobs all in the same day. I respect the bold move and I’m all for making things happen rather than just talking about them, but I can’t help but think it’s a rash decision based on some inspiration to be ‘the new you’. What I see is an unemployed woman who is down £50 which she spent on matching running gear that she will wear maybe three times this year, she’s thrown out all her Christmas chocolates and is in her pantry at 3am eating Weetos trying to get any taste of chocolate she can fathom.

joey use

But what is really grinding on me is that there is something she could have actually given up which would have made a difference to her life. It’s called the asshole she’s been dating who clearly doesn’t give two hoots about her and is blatantly still shagging other women.  Why is it we won’t consider giving up something, or rather someone, who is not making you happy? Because I know I can think of a few…

Did I ever tell you about my bad habit? He’s gorgeous, tall and answers to the name dirt bag. He’s a mistake I made a couple of times, and then a couple of times after that. The good thing about a bad habit is that usually you don’t actually like it yourself either. So there’s none of the messy complications that come with actually not wanting to give them up. But you tell yourself you don’t really care, so there’s no harm keeping them around. Resolution no. 1.

A crush on the other hand is entirely involuntary and quite frustrating. It usually stems from nothing more than slight attraction, and stretches to barely a few words. Let me tell you about mine. He is kind and subtly charming, he has a way of making anyone smile for no reason at all. But he is blunt and bitterly sarcastic and for some reason I bring it all out in him. I have the very worst of him all to myself, all he has to say is ‘okay’ and I’m ready to slam my head against the wall. I have utterly no idea what it is about him, but we bump, and he definitely grinds on me. Resolution no. 2.

Despite the many men out there just waiting to ruin my day, there is one man who can do it effortlessly and I think he knows it. And loves it. Mr Only-of-the-Moment. He picks and chooses the days he’d like to be around. He’s perfect in the heat of the moment, and I now count on him for only and exactly that. Resolution no. 3.

There may be an evil in all of us, but I’d like to know what it is that brings that evil out because with these tossers walking around, is it any wonder that the evil in me lives on the surface?

Women have a habit of thinking the worst of themselves in a given situation and in turn, this makes you think the very worst of him. They say it’s easier to move on when you hate the other person, because then you don’t remember all the good stuff, just the bumps, and less of the… grinds.

Let me show you how this works.

He breaks up with you. >> “I am obviously fat and boring and he wants to sleep with some exotic girl who doesn’t talk to her dog as if she were actually going to answer.” >> He’s a complete tosser who has probably slept with every girl he has ever seen and wants to sleep with all those he hasn’t. He never actually cared about me and thinks my new hair makes me look like a lesbian.

The above probably isn’t entirely accurate, but when you’re crying into your bowl of cheerios every morning, you’ll do anything speed up the moving on process.

Of course it is only by these means that I am able to write a blog about such bereavements and we are all able to take joint pleasure in my (or someone else’s) misery. So perhaps I should throw out the resolutions, count my blessings, breakups and mistakes, complete with bumps and grinds, and be grateful.

Taylor may have a blank space, but I’ve got a blank page to write their names.

Images: http://themastermindproject.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/new-years-resolutions1.jpg
, Friends, Warner Bros. Television

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